Choosing A Heartbreaker For If I Stay

by sarahenni on January 25, 2013

It has been quite a long time since I had a good old-fashioned casting post at this here blog, and that is certainly not for lack of exciting happenings. But Gayle Forman’s announcement about the If I Stay movie yesterday unleashed a floodgate of feels, so Imma break it down.

The If I Stay movie has been floating around with Summit for a while, briefly with the flawless Dakota Fanning attached. Though I’m sad Dakota’s Mia will never come to be, I gotta say that I think Chloe Moretz is a truly fantastic choice.

And with Mia cast so impeccably, cue my heart attack over who will be bringing punk-rock boyfriend Adam to life. It’s a big deal to me personally, because the Adam from the book is a heart-wringing amalgamation of every dude I dated in high school (the dramz!). And a big deal for the franchise because, if the film version of If I Stay manages to capture the dagger-to-the-heart beauty of the book, I’ll be standing in line like an insomniac Twilight fan at Comic Con for a film of Where She Went to be green-lit. Does anything sound better right now than a YA version of Before Sunrise on the streets of New York? Absolutely freaking not.

I turned to Jessica BS, Casting Correspondent for this here blog, for a comprehensive breakdown of what Adam needs to be, and who might be perfect for the role.

Since Jessica and I were kinda-sorta the exact same person(ish) in high school, we quickly realized we had both envisioned the same person while reading about Adam in both If I Stay and Where She Went. My indie cred is going to take a serious hit here, but the visual we agreed was perfect for Adam is based on Chris Carrabba, of Dashboard Confessional and Further Seems Forever. 1

You can’t out-emo this guy. Don’t even consider trying.

So that’s where we began our search. We also agreed that Adam shouldn’t look too very young, and we told ourselves that was not just to keep us from max creepage when we inevitably salivate over the movie poster. Plus: whoever plays Adam needs to have chops. This role had better include some concert footage of fledgling Shooting Star, and there should be a Joaquin Phoenix-in-Walk-The-Line vibe, no cheesy lip-syncing allowed.

With that, here are some standout candidates!

Darren Criss

Wait, did I mention something earlier about indie cred? Well screw that. Darren Criss has been the only thing giving Glee oxygen for ages, and it’s obvious from his role there that dude can crush a vocal solo. And this role would give Darren the chance to step out of tailored Warbler suit jackets and Hogwarts school uniforms—grow the hair out, find some ratty old slouchy hat, and maybe add a fake tattoo here and there and you’d have a perfect Portland punk. Yeah, pretty into that choice, at least from a visual standpoint (ahem).

Freddie Stroma (a.k.a. Cormac McLaggen)

Yeah, he’s good.

Christopher Abbott

Currently playing spineless pushover Charlie in Girls, I think Chris Abbott would be fairly easy to age down (without any scruff he could definitely pass for a high school senior in Movieland). And we already know from Girls that he can play guitar and sing, so he’d have the talent portion locked down. Best of all, he’s handled the navel-gazing angst of Girls with charm and a slight undertone of kicked puppy, which, let’s face it, is kind of essential to Adam. RESISTING SPOILERY TALK.

Zach Gilford

Gayle Forman herself mentioned this familiar face, and UGH. It hurts so bad to have to admit that he’s WAY too old to be Adam. Even though he has a babyface and could (still) be aged down quite a bit, I think we’ve seen Friday Night Lights take all his “plausibly playing a high-schooler” years. (Not that I regret a single minute of FNL. I DO NOT.) Sigh. Too bad, because as Matt Saracen this guy broke my heart a thousand times, which is an essential prerequisite for every role in If I Stay, but especially Adam. I don’t even care if he can carry a tune. TEXAS FOREVER, SEVEN.

I am so dating myself guys. I just couldn’t get with any of the other actual-YA-aged go-tos (the guys from Perks aren’t quite right, Alex Pettyfer has been evicted from nearly every YA heart, Ron Weasley is too British). So what do you think?? Who is up to the task of ripping our hearts into the tiniest bits?

  1. This led to an entire side conversation about how holy hell did you hear Further Seems Forever is touring?! And did anyone honestly feel the need to listen to anything besides The Moon Is Down, most specifically “Snowbirds and Townies“?


Read Your Emmys!

by sarahenni on July 20, 2012

The 2012 Emmy Nominees are in, but the awards ceremony isn’t until September 23. While you wait to see tearful speeches, anondyne celebrity-on-celebrity ribbing, and of course the red carpet, I thought I’d pull together some books related to the nominees and their work.

Tina Fey, Best Actress in a Comedy Series

Liz Lemon… I mean Tina Fey’s memoir outlines the beginning of the 30  Rock series, including some of her favorite jokes from the show that had me dying. It was the perfect airplane read.

New Girl, Best Comedy Series

In New Girl, this book was referenced toward the end of the season by my personal favorite character, Schmidt (apparently this is the only book on his Kindle) when he [SPOILER] broke things off with his model girlfriend, saying she should go, be free with her fashion friends who are better than he is. Bonus quote from Schmidt: “I have more than one book on my Kindle. I have a subscription to Cricket. And a lot of PDFs.”

Downton Abbey, Best Drama Series

The tremendous popularity of Downton Abbey (which got something like 19 nominations, despite a definite sophomore slump in its second season) has stirred up something of a literary frenzy for books about the show, set in that time period, or just generally about the very posh and the people that serve them.

Dexter, Best Drama Series

The Dexter series was inspired by Jeff Lindsay’s Darkly Dreaming Dexter, and actually won the 2005 Dilys Award for Book to Television adaptation, presented by the Independent Mystery Booksellers Association.

Game of Thrones, Best Drama Series


The Hatfields & McCoys, Best TV Series or Miniseries

Downton Abbey wasn’t the only show translating to resurgent book sales. The timeless story of the fueding Hatfields and McCoys was translated to the celebrated miniseries, and ignited sales of a few different non-fiction titles, including Lisa Alther’s Blood Feud.

Sherlock, Best TV Series or Miniseries

Sherlock Holmes has been getting a lot of love from television and movies in recent years, and in my opinion the BBC’s Sherlock is the best and most interesting adaptation to come about (sorry RDJ!). But did you know that The House of Silk, by erstwhile children’s author Anthony Horowitz, also came out in November and is the first time the estate of  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle approved a new  Sherlock Holmes novel? It’s on my TBR pile and sounds really amazing.

Those are some of the literary tie-ins I’ve found among the Emmy noms—what about you? Can you think of any more?


Bridget > Bridget

by sarahenni on July 11, 2012

Welcome to another Road Trip Wednesday, a ‘Blog Carnival,’ where YA Highway posts a weekly writing- or reading-related question and anyone can answer it on their own blogs. Check out their post for links to other Highwayers’ answers!

This week’s topic is:

What movie have you seen that actually (gasp!) improved on the book?

For me, the 2001 film version of Bridget Jones Diary is what comes to mind immediately as a film I would recommend before the book. I will confess to having seen the movie first (and isn’t it typical to enjoy the first version of anything you read/see/hear?), but made a point to read the book last summer because I’d heard such great things about it. And it was many things: hilarious, silly, extra- super- crazy-British, totally worth reading. But I thought the movie got rid of some things that were extraneous to the story (the strange “missing friend who may or may not have hurt themselves” episode), and added incidents that raised the stakes for Bridget’s ultimate romantic quandary.

I promise you that it had almost everything only something to do with the choice of Colin Firth as a heart-meltingly perfect Darcy. It did enhance the entire Bridget Jones universe for me to realize that Colin Firth the actor was mentioned in the book for his romance with Pride and Prejudice costar Jennifer Ehle.

And now I want to watch the movie again! It’s such a perfect sick-day, quick pick-me-up flick.

So what about you?? Any movies come to mind that you enjoyed more than their book form?


Deathly Hallows: Part Deux

by sarahenni on December 21, 2011

[Posted originally July 18, 2011] So—it’s been more than 72 hours since the final installment of the Harry Potter & Friends film franchise debuted. I think we can safely say that the polite period of silence has passed, and it’s time for a spoiler-packed post discussing the film!

Overall I really enjoyed it, and I thought it struck an appropriate emotional tone to cap off the series. But of course, as I am a highly opinionated person, I have some thoughts on where the film succeeded, and where some choices left me scratching my head.

The Split I think the first film of The Deathly Hallows must have been the driver for when to split the two films. Deathly Hallows Part I took a somewhat meandering, action-less portion of the film and created a beautiful story arc about a friendship. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were tested beyond their limits, then their friendship was redeemed by selfless action and the ultimate sacrifice of a Free Elf. It was a whole story, driven by an emotional arc and the theme of the entire series: the power of friendship.

But that left this movie with little to build a similar arc around. David Yates & Co. had two hours’ worth of essential plot points (Gringotts, Aberforth, Diadem, Snape revelations, Harry’s death, showdown) that left little room for a cohesive emotional story to develop, or for the audience to get much of a break from the heightened intensity. In the second half of the book our favorite characters are still unsure of their plan, surrounded by chaos and confusion. And the same goes for the viewer, which makes this movie great, but also a more challenging watch.

Our Favorites McGonagall was amazing, and was given one of the only lighthearted moments in the film (“I’ve always wanted to do that spell!”). Her battle with Snape was fantastic—McGonagall whipping out hardcore attack spells and Snape defending—and it’s a testament to how well Maggie Smith portrayed the character that, when McGonagall starts to look genuinely scared we realize the shit is really going down.

However! One major problem I had with the screenplay was after Voldemort gives the Hogwarts crew the “give me Harry or die” ultimatum and Pansy Parkinson cries out for someone to grab Harry. In the film McGonagall says, “All Slytherins, get out!” (Paraphrasing a bit, here.) That was nothing short of a disastrous choice of dialogue. In the book McGonagall asks Pansy to lead the Slytherins out of the castle, to be followed by all the other houses. Every first year is evacuated, regardless of house. But when asked if some could stay to fight, McGonagall says any of-age wizard can stay behind. Of course that leads to the redemption of several members of Slytherin house, including Professor Slughorn. Leaving the quote as-is in the movie makes Slytherin a house filled with irredeemably bad wizards, which belies oh, you know, the entire point of the whole series.

I loved the Snape revelations. To be honest, all that information was a total infodump in the books, so the short and effective pensieve sequence was perfect. Of course Alan Rickman was devastating. Seeing him emote while wearing Snape’s robes was a bit shocking, to be honest, and his death slayed me. (Though I don’t quite understand the choice to have his tears hold memories, instead of… you know, a memory? I was like, “why is Harry scooping up his tears, this is awkward.”)

I ship this so hard.

Luna freaking Lovegood was amazing, per usual. But my favorite thing had to be when she stopped on the stairwell and shouted, “Harry Potter you stop right now and listen to me!” How many times did we wish someone would say that to Harry in the books?! He could be such an arrogantly myopic wanker. And the whole, “I’ve got the hots for Luna” revelation by Neville in the Battle? Totally not part of HP Canon (Neville marries Hannah Abott) but I dig it so much. These two are such badasses.

The kiss!! It was awesome. The timing was fantastic (duh who wouldn’t want a kiss after a near death-by-water-basilisk moment?) and of course these two were adorable.

The Battle of Hogwarts It was INTENSE, and the filmmakers made some necessary changes. The book’s version of events is, more or less, a string of blow-by-blow duels. For the film, though, it was important to give a visual context of how the castle was being attacked. For the most part those sweeping shots of Voldemort and his pale-faced avengers overlooking the castle (and the army of wood brogues led by a Johnny-Depp-as-Captain-Jack wannabe storming the bridge) replaced any duel scenes. I understand that, and thought it was successful for the most part.

However, in my opinion, that choice kept the film from mirroring the book Battle’s brutality. When I read the battle scenes for the first time I sat straight up, mouth agape, totally horrified by the uncurbed violence. It was abattle, for doxies’ sake. The film seemed much more detached. Not showing Fred’s death was a decision I don’t entirely disagree with, but it certainly was a glaring absence. And the one major duel that the film did choose to highlight—Molly Weasley striking down evil witches like a BAMF—was short, and lacked the savagery I remember from the book.

Another thing I thought noteworthy about the duels was the lack of verbal spells. In my opinion, it was incredibly important for us to see Molly Weasley use the Avada Kedavra spell, and Harry choose not to. When Molly annihilates Bellatrix using the most unforgivable of curses, we cheer along. We are a party to the bloodshed, as responsible for the destruction as anyone rooting for the other side. That’s crucial to the reader & viewers’ role in the series. And it’s equally crucial for us to see Harry use expelliarmus, his old first year fall-back spell, as the ultimate undoing for Voldy. The dichotomy is important, and I don’t think the film highlighted it well enough.

Voldemort’s Death Though it was a bit underwhelming, it was wholly accurate to the book. So props for authenticity on that one. But that leaves the best Voldemort battle, by far, as the showdown between he and Dumbledore in The Order of the Phoenix. THAT battle had all the elements I hoped to see more of in this film’s duels: tremendous acting, creative visual displays of magic, and cruelty and fierceness in equal measure.

The Epilogue We’re all pretending this didn’t happen, right?

The filmmakers had quite the high-pressure gig trying to get this story told properly, and I’d say that overall they did a fantastic job. I was crying and laughing, and it made me want to reread all the books—and isn’t that truly the point?

So, what about you?? Do you agree with my rambles? What did I get completely wrong? Also—big question: I maintain that there’s no way this film could be someone’s “favorite” Harry Potter film. Dr F vehemently disagrees. I made another blog post about it. What do you think??


Breaking Dawn

by sarahenni on November 22, 2011

Well, the weekend—and thus the unofficial official moratorium on discussing the details of Breaking Dawn—has passed. THANK GOODNESS because I have so many THOUGHTS and FEELINGS to share with you on Le Saga Vampîre!

In my heart of hearts, I really didn’t think this movie was going to happen. Seriously. That book. Everything that happens in it. I figured movie studios/directors would run away screaming. But money overcomes all obstacles, and it was made, and lo! it was ridiculous and awesome. Honestly, it felt like the first and the last half were two entirely different movies. Thusly, my review will schizophrenically cover the con (the first half) and the pro (the WTF-ery).

Con: The Film’s Jaw-Slackening Interpretation of the Honeymoon

ha ha, i see what u did thar

In the movie, Edward’s use of sex as a weapon to maintain power over and press guilt upon Bella was truly, very seriously disturbing. I had a hard time watching it. I was angry and confused; though some elements from the book were shown accurately, I didn’t recall my overall impression of their honeymoon experience being as awful.

So I decided to go back and check. And I was right—it wasn’t.

In Stephenie Meyers’ Breaking Dawn, the scene after the oh-so-disappointing fade to black was much the same as the post-headboard angst-fest portrayed in the movie (#TeamHeadboard): feathers, bruises, patronizing display of sex guilt by Edward. Then, in both the book and the film, Bella gets a spine (more on Bella’s spine later…) and confronts Edward, telling him he’s ruining her post-coitus buzz: “Actually, I’m really pissed at you.” Good job, Bella!

Bella starts thinking of ways to manipulate Edward into giving human-vamp sexy-time another go. Continued efforts to seduce her stone-cold spouse using French lingerie are true in book and movie. But, in the book,  she offers up as bait the possibility that she might actually go to college for a while and postpone the whole vampire transformation thing. Then, she realizes that’s actually what she wants to do. All right, Bella! College is cool (I’m going to ignore for now that part where Bella says she’ll probably fail and instead of arguing to the contrary Edward just says “I’ll tutor you”)!


Just as portrayed in the movie, Bella has a dream about sparkle motion with her husband. She wakes up crying and…

I couldn’t tell if he was moved by the tears trembling in my voice, or if he was unprepared to deal with the suddenness of my attack, or if his need was simply as unbearable in that moment as my own. But whatever the reason, he pulled my lips back to his, surrendering with a groan.

And we began where my dream had left off.

They have sex at least twice more during their honeymoon before the whole “demon spawn” thing comes up. The book—and mark your calendars because this is the only time I have ever or will probably ever be able to say this—is much, MUCH more sex-positive than the movie.

In the movie, the moment when Bella wakes to discover that her chess/sex victory was just a cruel dream was legitimately wrenching. And it never got better. Edward withheld, withheld, withheld, and Bella was spun into this horrid microcosm of everything that could get twisted about female sexuality, all in about 15 minutes. First of all, you waited until you got married to get it on, and when you finally got the green light, your vampire now-husband loses control, just like he always said he would. So that makes it your fault! Duh! And, though you feel totally fulfilled and satisfied by the experience, you are wrong to and it can never happen again (while you are human). WOW! I’m sure glad they toned down the thrusting to make this pic PG-13 because I can’t think of a more positive message to send young girls! HURRAY.

And coming on the heels of all of that was the seriously uncomfortable LACK of conversation about whether or not to abort the half-vamp baby. In the book all of this was talked to death! It was confusing and weird because the kid was … well, no one knew what it was, but at least in the book we heard everyone defend their side. Somehow the movie’s “don’t just call it a fetus” line and other brief attempts at discussion didn’t suffice.


 The Pros: Everything Insane in One Hour

So, I was feeling quite sketchy about the movie thus far. (Though the quick succession of gratuitous ab shot and Charlie and his Rainier Beer scene [and Charlie watching a University of Washington football game!!] was an excellent way to start the movie, as it meant two drinks from my liquor-enhanced Dr Pepper.) The middle sagged with the weight of CGI wolves and their lupine thespianism. Just, what? I saw plenty of acting-in-jorts in New Moon and it’s impossible to overstate how much I would have preferred a lumber yard scene with some emoting abs over weird, Ent-like echoing voices.

He always looked so alarmed.

But then, coming to lighten the mood as reliably as a Bluth family chicken dance, came Jasper. Here’s how you infuse some humor into your movie about vampire cesarian sections and pedowolves: give JBone* any line. Any line at all. Because his simple “Not YET!” cracked up 200 people in my theater for a solid minute.

And, after all that anticipation, I was baffled to learn that Edward didn’t Google anything—he used Yahoo! Search, like approximately no one else in the 21st century. Though maybe it shouldn’t surprise me to see him using the computer like the technologically-challenged old-world geezer that he is.

So, remember how I said it felt like two movies? Let’s say the first one was something inane, sappy, and with questionable moral content. Like, a Nicholas Sparks movie. The second one was a terrifying horror film where everyone is covered in blood and it gets to the point where you have no clue who you’re actually rooting for. Like ALIEN. (Sorry in advance for that link.)

Watching Bella’ disintegrating physical form was worse than watching that chick from The Ring crawl out of the television. The makeup during that progression was so well done, it almost made up for the last three movies of dime-store wigs and un-dyed eyebrows. (Almost.) Then, the moment when Edward was all “let me pour this human blood into a styrofoam cup so you can pretend it’s just something I picked up at Sonic!” was freaking priceless.

OMG I love you. NO NOT YOU, fugly Jace. NEVER YOU.

The only thing I have to say about the imprinting is: This and this just made my life. But flashing FORWARD during the imprint sequence to a future Renesmee in an effort to somehow make the falling-in-love-with-a-baby thing less grotesque? That was a cop-out, Billy Condon, and you know it. Look at your source material. Look at your choices. Embrace. (Condon certainly didn’t shy away from that whole thing where THE BABY BROKE BELLA’S BACK. What has been seen can never be unseen.)

And I thought RPatz did a decent job at staring, unseeing, into the dark wooded abyss as it dawned on him that Jacob was going to bone his daughter. (And oh yeah, at that moment he thought his wife was dead.) That was … intense. (KINDA LIKE ALIEN. IT WAS ALL SUSPENSE AND TERROR GUYS)

And the “extra scene”? Possibly the best part of the movie. I mean, let’s be honest. What do you think I would do if I was immortal and drunk with power and couldn’t go out in the sunlight? I’ll tell you what—I would mock my minions’ spelling and grammar and cackle as they were dragged to their death, just like Michael Sheen. And that scene alone gave me hope for what is to come in Breaking Dawn II: Just Exactly What The Hell is Going to Happen.

WOW. So what about you guys?? Did you see it? Did you hate it so much you loved it, or vice versa? What are we going to do until NEXT November?!

*Nickname courtesy of Kate Hart



by sarahenni on November 15, 2011

We’re here, people. Breaking Dawn Part I, a film of gratuitous vamp-boning, sparkling, and supernatural procreation, IS ALMOST HERE. I have my ticket and Jacob can’t even keep his shirt on he’s so excited.

So in the build-up to the WEDDING OF THE CENTURY OMG I thought I’d repost my thoughts (edited by current me) on the most recent in Le Saga Vampîre*, ECLIPSE.

So! I went to go see Eclipse yesterday with pretty high hopes, especially based on Myra McEntire’s enthusiastic vlog review. But I’m not so sure the movie lived up to it for me (sad face). I went to see it in downtown D.C. and the audience was made up of exclusively other adult women that had come straight from work. I totally loved that, but it did mean that there were bouts of giggles during scenes where the intent was for us to swoon.

(I’m seeing Breaking Dawn at a theater that’s within half a mile of a 1,700-student high school, so the experience should be more “authentic.” And awesome.)

First, the Cons.

Chemistry. Say what you will about the original film or New Moon, but I thought both of those movies did a great job showcasing chemistry between Kristin Stewart and her dudes. This movie kind of took it for granted and moved right into the action. (And the opening meadow scene didn’t count as building chemistry, did it? Because it was strange, right? … No? Just me?)

Here is my list of people in the film that had more compelling chemistry than KStew + RPatz, or KStew + Taylor Lautner (do we not have an annoying but awesome nickname for him yet? Tautner? TLaut?):

  1. Kristin Stewart and Billy Bud as Charlie.
  2. Jessica and Mike. Seriously.
  3. Emily and Bella.
  4. Jacob and Seth Clearwater (OMG who was that kid he was ADORABLE)
  5. Edward and Jacob, in the tent. *fanfic explosion*

Wardrobe. Okay, this makes me a weird nerd. But I thought Tish Monaghan did a stellar job in New Moon. Edward’s suit was divine, Jacob wasn’t wearing anything, and I even loved the funky wool mittens Bella had. In this movie, the wardrobe made people seriously disappear.

Sorry, what was that? I was busy staring into the middle distance.

How could someone do that to R Patz? While I was watching this scene, I could seriously only think, “please take off that ill-fitting v-neck sweater immediately.” (And not just because I am always thinking about R Patz taking off his shirt. I swear.)

"I just can't get enough of you in plaid."

The Bella and Edward “will they or won’t they” scene might have been hot, but the professional adult women in my theater audience were giggling like fifth graders throughout (myself included). Again, suspending judgment until I see the movie a second time.

The Flashbacks. Did we need them all? I submit, no. No we did not.

Also, I really missed Rachelle Lefevre. Bryce Dallas Howard wasn’t bad, but Rachel gave Victoria this badass attitude, even when she didn’t speak a word. She made Victoria compelling somehow, in a way that I thought was missing in ECLIPSE. It bums me out that she was deprived of the movie where Victoria actually, you know, does stuff.


  • Bella punching Jacob’s face and breaking (or spraining) her hand. Perfection.
  • Jacob and Bella’s second kiss.
  • Dakota Fanning. Always, always, even with her unfortunate unmatching eyebrows.
  • Billy Bud, always. (And he was drinking Rainier again, YES. SCORE FOR THE NORTHWEST.)
  • The script nods to the audience. (Jacob to Edward: “I’m hotter than you.” Edward: “It isn’t all about me?”)

Myra was right– Alice’s overall appearance was much improved. And I liked getting to hear/see Jasper more, but good Lord almighty, I can’t tell if he is a poor actor of they are just trying REALLY HARD to make him be awkward all the time. He is even FROM THE SOUTH, but with this and True Blood it’s becoming clear that southern accents and vampires don’t mix very well.

The fight scene was pretty spectacular. And Victoria’s killing? AMAZING.

Also, all the “third wife” stuff was way better in the movie than in the book.

WHAT ELSE, guys? Any other impressions from watching the movie more than once? And what are you eagerly anticipating in BREAKING DAWN?!

*Okay, I embellished a bit. There's no circumflex over the i in the French word for vampire, (which is just plain 'ol vampire). Just tryin' to fancy the 'ol blog up a bit!


What Your Favorite Harry Potter Movie Says About You

by sarahenni on November 7, 2011

Over the ten years that the Harry Potter films were released, the franchise had four different  directors and an ever-evolving take on the world J.K. Rowling created. Just as almost every Harry Potter die-hard can point to their favorite book, many have one movie that stands out among the rest.

But which film best captured Harry, Hogwarts, and the magical showdown between the righteous and the snake-loving for you indicates more than just how tolerant (or not) you are of overly-long Englishmens’ mops. Read on and don’t be alarmed if I’m more accurate than Professor Trelawney with a gazing ball.

The Sorcerer’s Stone

Generally, you prefer beginnings. They’re filled with such hope! Such promise! Endings can just be so…complicated. No amount of sub-standard CGI or stilted child acting can get in the way of what you really love—the fantastic, magical story. And, your love of Sir Richard Harris is only matched by your hankerings for chocolate frogs.

The Chamber of Secrets

You are Christopher Columbus’ mother.

The Prisoner of Azkaban

You are, on the whole, a big fan of film. (Also, you refer to movies as ‘film.’) You probably thought Harry should die at the end of the series, and may have cackled while reading Rowling’s recent comments on the fate of Ron Weasley. You’ve though too much a lot about what life at Hogwarts would REALLY be like (and should probably read The Magicians, if you haven’t already). You are deeply in love with Gary Oldman, and you shipped Sirius and Lupin back when it was a raft.

The Goblet of Fire

tumblr_lo57dhHRiF1qbsjpxo1_500You love a good action sequence, but also have an appreciation for the dry humor and sweater-vest choices by Neville Longbottom. You found the soft-core hate between Durmstrang, Beauxbâtons, and Hogwarts hilarious. If you aren’t already, you’ve thought about joining your local quidditch team. In your opinion, The Beatles were just not shaggy enough. You’d welcome Viktor to Durm your Strang anytime. You sort of love to hate Harry sometimes, and may or may not have shipped Harry and Hermione in the past. When Cedric Diggory was chosen as Edward Cullen you had to explain to all your friends who RPatz was. Also, you’ve been known to dance like a crazy elf.

The Order of the Phoenix

Uncomplicated characters bore the crap out of you, and you have a distaste for authority. You can’t get enough of the Harry/Voldemort psychological parallel. You have total Schadenfreude when it comes to fictional characters, and love when things get downright terrible (related: The Empire Strikes Back is your favorite Star Wars movie). You used to crush on Snape the most, but Voldemort has officially taken over as your romanticized villain. You like your stories like you like your below-the-floorboard electrical wiring—dark and twisted.


The Half-Blood Prince

In your opinion, people who haven’t read the books have no business seeing the movie. Severus Snape owns your heart. But you’re more interested in his tortured and confusing inner life (and Alan Rickman’s laconic, impeccable pauses) than his ultimate redemption. Your other favorite genre is dystopian. You don’t have a problem with the film-makers adding new scenes or omitting large parts of the story, since film is another medium entirely. In your book, it’s about time that Ron Weasley got some already. You enjoy DRad lolz. Also, you ship yourself with Draco Malfoy.

The Deathly Hallows: Part I

Sometimes, you think the movie versions of the books should never have been made. You’re into slower, character-driven books and movies, and looking back you think your favorite part about the HP series was watching Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s relationship mature and grow. You crush hardest on Hermione. The mythology of the HP universe is fascinating to you, and if it were possible to read Hogwarts: A History, you totally would.

The Deathly Hallows: Part II

It doesn’t have to be happy, sad, or clean, but you like resolutions, and tend to enjoy the last movie in a series. (Historical war films also float your boat.) Also SNAPE & LILY = TEARS FOREVER. You can’t get enough derring-do in sweater vests and love a good ugly duckling story. You look forward to reunions, and have known to be very nostalgic, and oh yeah have you gotten your Pottermore email yet? Also, you have a rockin’ Butterbeer recipe for the DVD release party (ready for the drinking game).