Okay, I swear this will be the last Twilight/Breaking Dawn related post I’ll write in … well, at least a week. But on opening weekend, whilst in the grip of Le Saga Vampîre, I picked up on some hints of what might be waiting for us in Breaking Dawn Part II and they’re so juicy I had to share.
Frankly, what is going to happen in BDII is anyone’s guess, as Billy Condon and the Summit team basically condensed everything that drives the plot of the book and laid it all out in the first movie. That leaves the bare second half of Breaking Dawn, a meandering mélange of wish fulfillment, imprint angst, and a climax-free battle scene with nary a relevant plot point in sight. In fact, RPatz himself summed up the challenges facing screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg and Condon in the second film:
Have sex, demon baby. No, they get married first, demon baby, Jacob falls in love with the little baby [laughs], then everyone tries to kill each other, but nothing happens. Oh, that’s the second one [laughs even harder].
RPatz, in yer fandom, trollin’ like crazy
On the other hand, having such vague non-events to work with for a full two hours means there might be a little (or a lot) of wiggle room to depart from the book. In fact, I have reason to believe that will be the case, based on some hints that my friend Lindsay and I picked up on when we saw Breaking Dawn. Namely, there were some subtle indicators that our little Vampire series might be going the way of another band of questionable misfits stuck in a world where they didn’t belong…
The LOST moments we found in Breaking Dawn:
If we’re right, then Twilight fans are in for a helluva ride. Here are some story lines BDII might incorporate to improve on its lackluster source material by incorporating cues from LOST.
(Warning: Super mega spoilers for both Breaking Dawn and LOST ahead.)
The Cullens & Co. stumble upon to THE OTHERS, a clan of scraggly vamps who have been living outside of Port Angeles this whole time. Disheveled and generally unkempt, they kidnap Alice for fashion advice.
With the help of “
Crazy Baby Eyes” Rosalie they also snatch Renesmee up and frisk her away on a boat—despite the fact that “Renesmee” is so much less satisfying to scream than “
Walt!” Then Bella then goes feral over the kidnapping, freaking everyone out beyond all reckoning with a Heart of Darkness-style descent into jungle madness.
Then! The existence of vampires is revealed to be a twisted Dharma Initiative experiment when an undead
Pierre Chang shows up in a submarine.
Chang explains that the Cullens can keep the rest of the world from sucuumbing to the allure of an eternity in a sparkly, immortal LL Bean catalogue by hitting a button every 108 minutes. Naturally, the Cullens elect Jasper to dedicate the rest of his existence to this boring task since, you know, he wasn’t really doing anything useful around here anyway.
And, a twist that is actually less twisty because it’s kind of already happening. Maggie Grace, as Shannon on LOST, got cozy with Sayid. Then she was cast as Irina, who was shacking up with Laurent in Alaska. So, yet again we’re being asked to believe that she mysteriously seduced the most badass character with her wiles of vacant expressions and general annoyingness.
Since Irina is the meddling Vampire Benedict Arnold who calls foul with the Volturi once she spots Edward and Bella’s demonbaby, it’d be great to see Aro suddenly, and as inexplicably as Sayid and Laurent, fall madly in love with her. Then, just like in LOST, her execution-style death would be a welcome relief, and a springboard for even more unhinged craziness. Everyone wins!
What do you think?? Did anyone else pick up on these hints? What other wacky crap from Flight 815 could be incorporated to spice up BDII?
Tagged as:
Breaking Dawn,
Breaking Dawn: Part II,
LOST,
Of course Dharma would be behind it,
Sparkly Chang,
Theories,
WAAAAAALT
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
As a longtime fan of LOST, this post had me near tears. Screaming Renesmee in place of Waaaallllttttt?! Ha. I’m still giggling. And that picture of Jasper pressing the button. Dear lord, Enni. You are killing me. Thank you for this. Nothing like a good laugh Monday morning :) :)
:D I am so glad it gave you a laugh this morning!!! I’m also glad there are other LOST fans to nerd out with, because in writing this post I basically decided I wanted to watch the whole dang series over again, LOL.
Why is this not really the second movie? It would be SO MUCH better!!!!
Additionally, I would need Daniel Faraday to come in and explain the physics of vampire sparkling, and tell Jasper that while consuming only animal blood is super nice and hipster of him, eating people is the only thing that can help his bowel movements resume to normal, and therefore fix his awkward facial expressions.
Daniel Faraday and timey-wimey business most definitely needs to get involved! There has to be some ridiculous physics reason behind the sparkle!
Nice! I am a HUGE fan of LOST, so I appreciate this very much.
:D I’m so glad!!
Okay, so I totally don’t know anything about LOST, but oh. If this were the movie? I’d watch it. :D :D
*writes screenplay immediately* Thank you Yahong!! :D
Love this! Hilarious! Although LOST’s whack rules of pregnancy/giving birth on the island should have somehow come into play in BD1. Hmmm…….
GENIUS. I did not even THINK of this! I think we have #sixseasonsandamovie here.
I never watched LOST, but my roommates did so I vaguely recognize some of these characters/plot points. I think I like your crossover more than either BD or what I know of LOST alone. Hahahaha. If this were the movie, sign me up for midnight screening tickets!
(omg, the rpattz tumblr! Must not click…)
HAHA I know, I’m trying to kill any productivity you have by bringing that RPatz tumblr up over and over! >:D And thank youuuu!
I’m such a huge Lost nerd that this made my day. You’re hilarious and I’d like you to incorporate Lost into more movies. I foresee a Lost meets Snow White and the Huntsman in which Snow White lives in that freezing cold cave where Ben turned the wheel to end up in the Middle East. And the wicked queen would live in the three-toed foot, asking Jacob who the fairest in the land was. And Jacob would have a hard time answering because he couldn’t decide if the Snow White on the island or the Snow White in the parallel universe of dead people was fairer. And the seven dwarves would be bossy, smart-assy, hungry, druggie, sneaky, Desmond, and doc. (But Hungry would be our favorite because a little Hurley makes everything better.)
O.O
I am in awe of your Snow White and the Huntress/LOST mashup. BLOG THAT, WOMAN!
Also, Smart-Assy the Dwarf is my spirit animal.
You are all kinds of awesome. Thank you for making my Monday. Polar bear: It’s what’s for dinner!
HAHAHAHA oh man, the polar bears! I had almost forgotten :)
I want to Netflix all the seasons of LOST right now just so I can get this post. :-(
Oh man, if you do decide to Netflix it you WILL NOT REGRET IT. However, I do not advise doing it until you have nothing to do for like 3 weeks. It’s an, “‘Okay just ONE MORE episode….’ and then you wake up at 5 AM still wearing yesterday’s clothes” type of show.
LOST! BD! Oh my goodness this just totally MADE MY MORNING. I am bookmarking this to show my sister as soon as she gets home for Christmas break. So LOLling right now.
Of course, you forgot the part about the magic cave that is the source of all vampire sparklage. They would definitely need to form an expedition to go there. :)
YES. That would absolutely be its source, wouldn’t it?? And Jacob & his brother would be entrenched in a centuries-long argument: “Well, the sparkling just isn’t vampire canon. She should’ve researched it beforehand.” “Fiction is made up! She had a right to reimagine the myth!”
I would be INTO IT.
HAHAHA! That’s amazing! They would totally debate WHILE they were playing black and red! chess on the beach :D
That was pretty funny. I loved Lost and I like Twilight so that was pretty awesome!
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