Today is the day, my friends. Breaking Dawn, the penultimate chapter of Le Saga Vampîre, is upon us. Twi-hards rejoice, casual fans giggle, and haters, well.
By now we are all familiar with the story, but it has yet to be seen how Summit and Bill Condon will handle the WTF-ery that is the plot of Breaking Dawn. Throwing an extra curveball into the whole formula is the fact that the book is being broken into two parts. Which cliffhanger will they go with to end BD1? The birth, the imprinting, the vampire transformation? And, tantalizingly, what is the extra scene Peter Faccinelli is talking about??
I was talking with Bestie Danielle, who will be accompanying me to see this glorious landmark of 21st century film, and we decided to outline the things that we are eagerly awaiting/desperately afraid of from Breaking Dawn.
Me: so apparently the wedding is ONE FULL HOUR.
Lycanthrope, please. My own (REAL LIFE) wedding lasted like 20 minutes. At my wedding everyone was waiting for the open bar. At this wedding, I think you know what we’re all waiting for, and it isn’t a glimpse of that fugly ring.
Sparkle motion, people.
That, and perhaps an explanation of how someone whose abs were so gratuitously airbrushed just a year ago can have such a legitimately muscular back? Is this a STUNT DOUBLE? Or did Kellan Lutz actually mean it when he said he’d get RPatz off the couch for this one?
Speaking of people working out. I’ve also heard that Jacob’s washboard abs get flashed within the first five minutes, which is a good idea considering how long we’re going to have to suffer through these interminable nuptials. That leads us into the other thing that Danielle and I spent a good amount of time discussing…
That Whole ‘Imprinting’ Thing
I’m going to quote Danielle directly from our gchat conversation, because I was falling all over my desk laughing so hard.
Hold on to your bonnets ladies, and get ready to swoon! And by “ladies” I mean “babies.” And by “bonnets” well, I really do mean bonnets. We all know that Jacob has a type, and we think they heart him right back. But you know. It’s hard to know for sure. Since his type is babies.
The thing I’m looking forward to the most, friends? Can I be honest? Is the moment—the exact screen shot—when Taylor Lautner (God love him) has to give a hard stare right into the camera and convince us, the audience…
That he is falling madly in love with A BABY.
That .gif, my friends? Once the internet provides it to me? That .gif might as well be in my email signature block. I am going to have it as a moving background on my phone. It’s going to be EVERYWHERE.
Because seriously, WHAT? How can you ask anyone to do that? To make that convincing? Can you imagine what was going through that poor boy’s head while shooting that scene? “What’s my motivation? THE BABY?”
The Answer to the Question: What DID Edward Google??
The hilarious Rachel Hawkins was the first to note this ridiculousness, and it spawned the crazy funny (and not entirely SFW) hashtag #WhatEdwardGoogled. I mean, Bella did use Google to discover what Edward was in the first movie, so maybe they’re going for consistency?
But I know that when I see this happen on the big screen, I’m going to be drowning my chuckles in spiked Dr Pepper because that one made the drinking game like, instantly.
The Obligatory Shot of Charlie Drinking Rainier
Guys, this is seriously one of my favorite things about the entire movie series. And Charlie doesn’t joke around with Rainier, either. He’ll take it in a can, and he wants a tall boy.
What about you?? What are you looking forward to? What are you dreading like a Cullen dreads Volturi? When are you going to see it??